Saturday, May 26, 2012
False Pride
This is a previous post but necessary.
Oh Lord its hard to humble when you're perfect in every way . . .
Ever since I was a small child I was treated with "kid gloves" by my family because I was a "sick" child. Mom and Pop were protective and many times overprotective. After the age of six I was never spanked, growing up on the farm I was expected to work but not "as hard" as the others and if I did not feel like doing or eating something it was not expected I should.
"Poor Tommy this and poor Tommy that. Its a shame he won't live too long. Too bad about his fate."
And then my therapist said I had narcissistic tendencies. Even then I was arrogant. I could not be self centered, I was a pastor. You must be wrong because I never am.
Oh well, he was right and I WAS wrong. And I have been wrong in many ways and many times in my life. It cost me my first marriage, it creates anxiety at work, business transactions, family relationships and, well, every element of my life. So what am I to do?
Christ said it best:
He mocks proud mockers but gives grace to the humble.
The wise inherit honor, but fools he holds up to shame.Prov 3: 34,35 (NIV)
I am very glad to be a servant of God and recent events (last 5 years) have opened my eyes to the continued need to free myself of me in order to focus on others. I have been humbled and I have been shamed. Both excellent tools for the "swelled head syndrome."
Life is what you make it with the help and within the will of God. God willing, I will be a better servant to my clients and to you.
Webb
Oh Lord its hard to humble when you're perfect in every way . . .
Ever since I was a small child I was treated with "kid gloves" by my family because I was a "sick" child. Mom and Pop were protective and many times overprotective. After the age of six I was never spanked, growing up on the farm I was expected to work but not "as hard" as the others and if I did not feel like doing or eating something it was not expected I should.
"Poor Tommy this and poor Tommy that. Its a shame he won't live too long. Too bad about his fate."
I got away with murder, so to speak.
When I was six years old I remember my grandmother telling Pop, "I cannot believe Tommy. He lies to me all the time!"
As I grew older and gained more privileges. I exploited the situation. I lied, cheated, stole and manipulated parents, siblings, teachers and friends into doing things for me or getting me out of trouble. I took no responsibility for myself. In high school there were no curfews or groundings. When I skipped class and was caught there was no consequence. After all, when mom is a teacher in the system there comes some privileges.
I exaggerated stories or down right lied to make myself look better to other people. I expected to get the credit for the work done though I had little to do with the project. I received a "D" for an in-depth study paper that was only four paragraphs long. I would belittle others, criticize their efforts, discount their accomplishments, one up them with mine and degraded their possession. I would laugh at their misfortune. And if I did not have what other's had I guilted my folks into either getting it for me or provide me with an alternative.
As I grew older and gained more privileges. I exploited the situation. I lied, cheated, stole and manipulated parents, siblings, teachers and friends into doing things for me or getting me out of trouble. I took no responsibility for myself. In high school there were no curfews or groundings. When I skipped class and was caught there was no consequence. After all, when mom is a teacher in the system there comes some privileges.
I exaggerated stories or down right lied to make myself look better to other people. I expected to get the credit for the work done though I had little to do with the project. I received a "D" for an in-depth study paper that was only four paragraphs long. I would belittle others, criticize their efforts, discount their accomplishments, one up them with mine and degraded their possession. I would laugh at their misfortune. And if I did not have what other's had I guilted my folks into either getting it for me or provide me with an alternative.
No wonder my siblings struggle with liking me or tend to discount me. The arrogant me says, "too bad, the don't know what they are missing." The Christ in me says,"How can you remove the log in your eye and make things right?"
My good friend had a 1968 Plymouth Satellite. A really cool looking car. I had a 1972 Dodge Charger, pretty cool as well. But I could not help taking a jab at my buddy and saying to him, "Too bad its not a Road Runner".
Because I was not allowed to go to summer camps or mission trips or overnights at friends homes, I was given other liberties. Why? Because "I'm special"
I expected others to meet my needs, the attorney to keep my record clean, parents to pay my way through life and relationships to benefit me without consideration of their desires. My guy friends and girlfriends would cover my but with my parents, teachers, bosses. I got into fights, taunted the law and destroyed property. In my world I was KING!
My good friend had a 1968 Plymouth Satellite. A really cool looking car. I had a 1972 Dodge Charger, pretty cool as well. But I could not help taking a jab at my buddy and saying to him, "Too bad its not a Road Runner".
Because I was not allowed to go to summer camps or mission trips or overnights at friends homes, I was given other liberties. Why? Because "I'm special"
I expected others to meet my needs, the attorney to keep my record clean, parents to pay my way through life and relationships to benefit me without consideration of their desires. My guy friends and girlfriends would cover my but with my parents, teachers, bosses. I got into fights, taunted the law and destroyed property. In my world I was KING!
WHEN YOU ARE AS GREAT AS I AM ITS HARD TO BE HUMBLE!!
(Can I get a witness?)
And then my therapist said I had narcissistic tendencies. Even then I was arrogant. I could not be self centered, I was a pastor. You must be wrong because I never am.
Oh well, he was right and I WAS wrong. And I have been wrong in many ways and many times in my life. It cost me my first marriage, it creates anxiety at work, business transactions, family relationships and, well, every element of my life. So what am I to do?
Christ said it best:
Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave--
Matt 20: 226,27 (NIV)
It is not for me to be served. It is Christ. If I serve Christ then its those around me being served and not myself primarily. By serving others a Holy sense of completeness permeates my being. There is an inner peace serving an outside world.
I am wondering if my choice of vocation is not a twisted way of getting the attention I desire. After all, if I assume the role of a servant will I not then be lifted up to a greater position? I surely hope not.
He mocks proud mockers but gives grace to the humble.
The wise inherit honor, but fools he holds up to shame.Prov 3: 34,35 (NIV)
Life is what you make it with the help and within the will of God. God willing, I will be a better servant to my clients and to you.
Webb
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
Well, Now I have Answers
The
waiting is over and also continuing as well.
I sat down with my
cardiologist Friday, May 27th and discussed options regarding my Coronary
Artery Disease (CAD). The bottom 1/3 of my heart is dead and there is 98%
blockage to the right coronary arter and the circumflex artery. Google it if you need a visual.
There is not enough of this vessel below the blockage to do a bypass graft. Sooooo.... the only option might be angioplasty. If it is not an option then we wait till I drop dead . . . literally. While doc says he does not know my mortal time frame, he's suspecting a year or two if not intervention is possible or even sooner.
Well, so much for my 40th high school reunion or retirement.
An
angioplasty is done using a thin, soft tube called a catheter. A doctor inserts
the catheter into a blood vessel in the groin or wrist. The doctor carefully
guides the catheter through blood vessels until it reaches the blocked portion
of the coronary artery.
A small, expandable wire tube called a stent is often
permanently inserted into the artery during angioplasty. A very thin guide wire
is inside the catheter. The guide wire is used to move a balloon and the stent
into the coronary artery. A balloon is placed inside the stent and inflated,
which opens the stent and pushes it into place against the artery wall. The
balloon is then deflated and removed, leaving the stent in place. Because the
stent is meshlike, the cells lining the blood vessel grow through and around
the stent to help secure it.
Doc has adjusted my medications and put me on some new ones. One of the side affects of one of the meds is my diabetes is more under control. (Go figure, I get on a medicine that reduces my blood sugars only to have less life to utilize it.) I continue to do an hour of exercise 3-4X a week with other activities in between.
I will be on the new meds for 90 days and then return to see the cardiologist to see if they have any effect on the blockage and determine if I am a candidate for a stent placement. In all of this I am fairly calm and accepting. My focus has been more acute in getting things done in the event of my death with the hope that becomes prudent planning than immediate need.
Sooooo . . . I am waiting once again. In the mean time, I will continue in prayer, support my wife, my patients and staff and continue on with life. I will ride my HOG and play golf. Why stop until you have to?
Whatever you do, work
at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters,
since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a
reward. It is the Lord Christ you are
serving.
Colossians 3:23-24
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