Sunday, August 17, 2008
Conditional Forgiveness
Have you ever sinned against God and Christ has forgiven you?
Have you ever sinned against God and your friend has not forgiven you?
Ten years ago I "sinned" and hurt many people around me. Primarily my ex-wife and her family. After a failed attempt to reconcile with my ex we have found forgiveness for each other and I have re-opened doors with family and friends.
However, there is one couple who has not forgiven me and I find this sad.
My friend "John" and his wife "Jane" have remained bitter. I know this because I happened to come across John's profile the other day on a community website and emailed him a greeting. In returned I received a short, blunt response. John asked why I was "concerned" about him and his family. He said, "grow up".
You know, I was not hurt by his response but sad. Here was a family I had embraced when others would not, loaned them money when they were broke, help load their truck when John went off to seminary, babysat their children when they were small and got him hooked on golf.
While others can forgive me for the divorce, John and Jane have not.
Let's examine forgiveness .
Have you ever sinned against God and your friend has not forgiven you?
Ten years ago I "sinned" and hurt many people around me. Primarily my ex-wife and her family. After a failed attempt to reconcile with my ex we have found forgiveness for each other and I have re-opened doors with family and friends.
However, there is one couple who has not forgiven me and I find this sad.
My friend "John" and his wife "Jane" have remained bitter. I know this because I happened to come across John's profile the other day on a community website and emailed him a greeting. In returned I received a short, blunt response. John asked why I was "concerned" about him and his family. He said, "grow up".
You know, I was not hurt by his response but sad. Here was a family I had embraced when others would not, loaned them money when they were broke, help load their truck when John went off to seminary, babysat their children when they were small and got him hooked on golf.
While others can forgive me for the divorce, John and Jane have not.
Let's examine forgiveness .
What does Jesus say?
Well, if anyone ask for forgiveness we are to forgive them 70x7. This means in the sincerity of their remorse forgive as often as necessary.
We should take the log out of our eye before removing the splinter from another.
Well, if anyone ask for forgiveness we are to forgive them 70x7. This means in the sincerity of their remorse forgive as often as necessary.
We should take the log out of our eye before removing the splinter from another.
I realize forgiveness is not simple nor easy. Believe me, I have been unforgiving in the past. But to not forgive is a selfish action. Someone who cannot forgive is someone who cannot lose and needs control. Yes, I qualify in all those arenas and have failed in all of them as well. But here is what I learned.
I am not in control of God's world. While I control my thoughts and responses, it is God who ultimately has the final say of everything in the universe, INCLUDING my own little world. I understand control and not being in control. I understand controlling others and being controled. I understand Joseph with the coat of many colors
To date, I don't understand what "control" John thinks he has by not forgiving. Maybe an unreal belief that our friendship was such that I would be emotionally and spiritually destroyed if not forgivenby him or Jane. Maybe I needed to beg? Any way, what ever the reason, I am sad of losing a friend. You know the adage, "can't have too many friends".
Forgiveness has several elements
First, forgiveness begins with understanding. To look at the bigger picture and evaluate the situation from a macro rather than a microcosm's view. A mother is shopping with her 2 year old in the super market. The cart with child gets too close to one side of the aisle and the little boy grabs a "goody" from the shelf. Mom turns to see what has happened and takes the item and places it back on the shelf. Well, you know what happens next. The little boy erupts into a full blown tantrum. "Mommy! That's mine! I had that and I want it!" "No, Johnny, you don't need it." "Mommy! Mommeeeeee! I want it back! I want it NOW!" "No, Johnny". "Mommy, if you don't give it back . . I hate you mommy!"
Okay, moms, how many would cringe under the tirade and feel the hurt being told you were not loved by your little boy? The two of them get home after shopping and Johnny runs into the house and finds his toys and begins to happily play with them. He's laughing and singing and carrying on. Mom brings the bags in from the car and all is well with her world. Has she forgiven Johnny? YES, she has. She understands the Johnny is behaving in a way that two year olds understand. A two year old, in his powerless state, throws tantrums in an effort to assert influence and power. Mom understands and forgives.
Secondly, forgiveness is not dependent on another acknowledging their wrongful act. There are people out there that will not realize they have hurt you and go on their way. There are also those out there who will hurt you and won't care. It's important to forgive.
Another element to forgiveness is knowing that to forgive does not make a person weak. Actually, the opposite is true. It takes a very strong person to experience hurt or injustice and forgive.
Forgiveness is not reconciling. My ex-wife and I have forgiven each other but we are not reconciled. I am not reconciled with an employer who fired me based on a night housekeepers report. I can and have forgiven them.
Forgiveness is not excusing. People have had family members murdered, women who have been raped have learned to forgive the perpetrators. They have not excused the actions of another. It does not mean justice should not be sought. Yet forgiveness is possible.
Forgiveness is a choice. We choose to forgive or not to forgive. God will choose who to forgive and not to forgive.
God is the most important part of forgiveness. For God turned His back on His Only Son understanding the frailty of people, knowing they would turn against Him time and again and forgives freely with unconditional love. Part of the human experience is that we cannot fully understand love without some conditions. We cannot fully understand forgiveness without God.
Now, I am going to say something that will cause some to pause. I don't believe is saying the words, "will you forgive me?" It gives all the power to the other person seeking control and putting self in an awkward position. If asked, "will you forgive me?" a person responding has two options. Either "Yes" or "No". What a spot to be in either case. It is better to approach some and simply state the situation as you know it, acknowledge your sin and say, "I am sorry". Regardless of the other person's response you have stated the issue and owned your part and addressed it. If the other person cannot forgive it is their issue.
Why did John and Jane turn their backs to me? I know why. It is sad and still stings. John and Jane were very good friends. I love them, understand, somewhat, their reaction and know in my heart they may never let go of anger norengage me in any way. None the less, it is no longer my issue.
There are many scripture verses that address forgiveness directly. One however is not thought of directly as a forgiveness verse but a love verse. Read 1 Corinthians 13.
Love is forgiveness and vice versa. God so loved the world that He forgave.
To date, I don't understand what "control" John thinks he has by not forgiving. Maybe an unreal belief that our friendship was such that I would be emotionally and spiritually destroyed if not forgivenby him or Jane. Maybe I needed to beg? Any way, what ever the reason, I am sad of losing a friend. You know the adage, "can't have too many friends".
Forgiveness has several elements
First, forgiveness begins with understanding. To look at the bigger picture and evaluate the situation from a macro rather than a microcosm's view. A mother is shopping with her 2 year old in the super market. The cart with child gets too close to one side of the aisle and the little boy grabs a "goody" from the shelf. Mom turns to see what has happened and takes the item and places it back on the shelf. Well, you know what happens next. The little boy erupts into a full blown tantrum. "Mommy! That's mine! I had that and I want it!" "No, Johnny, you don't need it." "Mommy! Mommeeeeee! I want it back! I want it NOW!" "No, Johnny". "Mommy, if you don't give it back . . I hate you mommy!"
Okay, moms, how many would cringe under the tirade and feel the hurt being told you were not loved by your little boy? The two of them get home after shopping and Johnny runs into the house and finds his toys and begins to happily play with them. He's laughing and singing and carrying on. Mom brings the bags in from the car and all is well with her world. Has she forgiven Johnny? YES, she has. She understands the Johnny is behaving in a way that two year olds understand. A two year old, in his powerless state, throws tantrums in an effort to assert influence and power. Mom understands and forgives.
Secondly, forgiveness is not dependent on another acknowledging their wrongful act. There are people out there that will not realize they have hurt you and go on their way. There are also those out there who will hurt you and won't care. It's important to forgive.
Another element to forgiveness is knowing that to forgive does not make a person weak. Actually, the opposite is true. It takes a very strong person to experience hurt or injustice and forgive.
Forgiveness is not reconciling. My ex-wife and I have forgiven each other but we are not reconciled. I am not reconciled with an employer who fired me based on a night housekeepers report. I can and have forgiven them.
Forgiveness is not excusing. People have had family members murdered, women who have been raped have learned to forgive the perpetrators. They have not excused the actions of another. It does not mean justice should not be sought. Yet forgiveness is possible.
Forgiveness is a choice. We choose to forgive or not to forgive. God will choose who to forgive and not to forgive.
God is the most important part of forgiveness. For God turned His back on His Only Son understanding the frailty of people, knowing they would turn against Him time and again and forgives freely with unconditional love. Part of the human experience is that we cannot fully understand love without some conditions. We cannot fully understand forgiveness without God.
Now, I am going to say something that will cause some to pause. I don't believe is saying the words, "will you forgive me?" It gives all the power to the other person seeking control and putting self in an awkward position. If asked, "will you forgive me?" a person responding has two options. Either "Yes" or "No". What a spot to be in either case. It is better to approach some and simply state the situation as you know it, acknowledge your sin and say, "I am sorry". Regardless of the other person's response you have stated the issue and owned your part and addressed it. If the other person cannot forgive it is their issue.
Why did John and Jane turn their backs to me? I know why. It is sad and still stings. John and Jane were very good friends. I love them, understand, somewhat, their reaction and know in my heart they may never let go of anger norengage me in any way. None the less, it is no longer my issue.
There are many scripture verses that address forgiveness directly. One however is not thought of directly as a forgiveness verse but a love verse. Read 1 Corinthians 13.
Love is forgiveness and vice versa. God so loved the world that He forgave.
I needed to write this out of my own hurt. Thank you for reading. I also know that John and Jane will not see this. It is best, because I know that, forewhatever reason, this would be seen as a childish effort on my part to vindicate myself. I do know that I have attempted to reconnect and express how much I miss our friendship.
Love you all.
~Webb~
Ahhhhh
Love you all.
~Webb~
Ahhhhh
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
